In my short 21 years of living I’ve seen and heard and felt so much wrong. I’ve done wrong things myself. Terrible things. I hear how people say there are things that they are not proud of; but what about things that we are ashamed of?
When I was a child I took a kitten by it’s tail and swung it around. Why? Because it didn’t want to hug me. Yes, I know, that’s fucked up. But even though I’ve rescued so many kittens and animals from starvation, cold, or pain… I can never undo the damage I caused and that poor kitten will never now the sorrow and guilt I feel. How sorry I am and how much I wish I could make up for what I had done.
But humans can. They can make up for the sins they’ve committed. When I say “sin” I don’t mean religiously, I mean spiritually; that gut wrenching sickness you feel when you’ve done something wrong. How bad it makes you feel and how you don’t want to feel it so you brush it off to the side and try to justify what you have done.
I’ll be one of many others to admit that forgiveness is hard. And honestly, I don’t know which one is more difficult, forgiving others or forgiving yourself. There are some things that I cannot forgive that others have done because I cannot forget it; it constantly pops back into my mind and I’m reminded of how I had trusted someone only to have them hurt me.
And then there’s forgiving yourself. And that’s just as hard because no matter how much you try to, you may always feel that same disgusting guilt for what you’ve done.
I feel that this is why people have “pride”, because they try to forgive and are reminded over and over again of what someone did or what they have done and it’s easier to ignore that pain and push it deep down instead of facing it head on and admitting that they/you were wrong and to forgive then/yourself and move on. I want to say “make up for what they/you have done”, but that’s the thing… you cannot undo the harm you’ve done. That’s why we need to live in the present and constantly think of our actions and what we are doing and what we will do. We may not be held accountable for how someone takes what we say to heart but we are still held accountable for what we say and what we do.
Now comes the level in which we have to apply this to our lives. But let’s get real, who the fuck has the time for that?